This is going to be a sincere post. *all 3 readers run away in terror* I would also like to point out that I've only had one hour of sleep. It is for this reason that my writing is so disjointed. Please, do not judge.

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"...The answer is easy if you take it logically..."

These oh so eloquent words of Paul Simon have given me a great deal of comfort at times. I realize, Neale, that I am not a logical or rational individual by any stead, but hey... we've all our different facets.

There are times when being clear cut about one's decisions is both practical and comforting. Then there are the times where that solution eludes one, and to be perfectly honest, it's scary when that situation arises.

The worst times, however, are when one knows the solution to a dilemma, but doesn't want to execute that solution. Such is my predicament at present. Though I yearn for the ultimate result, or at the very least my *desired result*, I'm disturbed by the potential consequences of the action's execution.

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I just can't do it. I can't bring myself to potentially harm another. And yet, were I not to execute the solution which has presented itself, I could very well ultimately end up hurting individuals in that eventuality.

Fuck. That's the best word to describe how I feel right now. To quote Robin Williams, in all his infinite wisdom: "Fuck this shit".

I'm tired.

I know where my feelings lie. That is what hurts the most. Not knowing what I want, bu t that in order to allow myself to feel what I feel, it would become a selfish act, as it would involve the harming of another, albeit emotionally.

I can't do this. I just can't.

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I don't know why I'm doing this, but I'm going to quote Dostoyevski here, albeit in a reduced format:

"The Grand Inquisitor"

If any desire to understand what that means, read the chapter of the Brothers Karamazov of that particular title.

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Fly me to the moon,
Let me play among the stars.
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars.
In other words, hold my hand.

I'm goin' back some day,
Come what may,
To Blue Bayou...
Where you sleep all day,
And the catfish play,
On Blue Bayou...

Through early morning fog I see,
Visions of the things to be,
The pains that are witheld from me,
I realize and I can see...
That Suicide is Painless,
It brings on many changes,
and I can take or leave it if I please...

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I'm tired. I'm also confused. Not ab out how I feel, but how I should behave.

Goodnight.